family ties

I don't like my mother in law. Or my sister in law.

In fact, after 25 years, the only people that I even speak to are my b-i-l who is great and a nephew in law. They are terrible people who put me through hell when I was younger. They are so slimily sweet that you feel like you need a shower after the dinners. You know that show 'Everyone love Raymond'? She is Marie on a good day. It gets worse. They play head games that slam you, but you don't realize that you've been slammed until a few minutes later. I say they because grumpy's older sister was a clone of her mother.

I waited for grumpy to put a stop to it, I couldn't, I had been programmed since birth to never correct your elders. I would just go home and rant and rave to my sisters. He would look at me dumbfounded. He had been raised in that house and never heard or saw a thing. It was always, 'but my mom tries so hard.' Sure she does. About 20 years ago I was so proud that I was going to make the Thanksgiving pies for dinner. I spent 2 days trying to make the perfect apple, cherry, and chocolate pies. I carry them into her house and she takes one from me and examines it, pauses, looks at her daughter and says "MY, I'm just going to have to take time off of work next year to make pies. Well...thank you for these pies and smiles at me. Grumpy would only hear the thank you, not the slam. Drove me so crazy that I would only go at the holidays. That got so bad that I would only go once a year. Probably why I can't make pies to this day. :) I was so young that I thought it was me. It never occurred to me that it was them, that they just sucked as in-laws.

A typical Christmas. I would do the shopping for m-i-l. We would open presents. She would gush over the wonderful present that grumpy got her, because he knows her so well. Then we would open gifts. sis-i-l got a t-fall pan set. b-i-l got a craftsmen tool set. grumpy got a pair of 501s , a really nice embroidered elk on a sweatshirt and a movie. I got 2 tea towels that didn't match. Seriously? It wasn't that I was upset about what I got, I was upset at the insult that I was expected to take, say thank you and smile while doing so. It was always like that, but it simply got too much. I told grumpy that I was done. He and the kids could continue to go but I didn't like his mom and life was too short to be treated like crap when I had the choice to not be treated like crap and that his family sucks.

Lets see, hmm, memories. Like the one at 23 where m-i-l told me I had done something wrong when I miscarried the twins at 3 months. Or sis-i-l telling me I was a selfish bitch and she was sick of it when I bailed on her baby shower a week later. How about the one where they told my husband that our daughter wasn't his, that I had an affair and he should leave me. Thank god the guy they came up with had moved out of state 2 months before I got pregnant and she's the spittin image of his family. When he confronted them with these facts they said they were just trying to help him be happy. Or where they called me by his ex girlfriends name for years, yeah. Good times...god his family sucks!

He tried one year to not go to my moms if I wouldn't go to his. :D Silly boy. I loaded up the kids and off we went to have fun. He showed up an hour later. At least my family is the, 'in your face, I don't like you but you're family so there isn't a damn thing I can do about it if you call in an emergency so we might as well get along', type. His family sucks.

I went to Thanksgiving last year. First time in about 5 years. I was...not there? It's hard to explain. I was there but his family seemed not to see me. Even the younger generation. I stayed about 30 minutes and then told grumpy that I was going home. I said that I could go shopping and be ignored by total strangers and have a better time. He called me about 20 minutes later to tell me that I was wrong. He said several of his family members came up to him to ask where I was and when he told them I had left, they had told him that was too bad, they had wanted to say hi. huh. Really? I told him that they had plenty of time to say hi when they were right in front of me and that I was just fine, thanks anyway. I realized that it was a group effort to ignore me if they noticed that I was gone so quickly. I actually felt validated :) cause his family sucks.

My cousin is the one who put it in perspective for me. I was complaining about some new atrocity they had pulled and she said the most amazing thing to me. "Why go? They are a divorce from nothing to you, so why bother with it at all?" She was SO right! They are not my relatives. I am not related to any of them! That was such an awesome thing to realize. My kids on the other hand...I never said a word to them about what was going on. They continued to go and I would get them ready and send them out the door with a smile. I needed to stay home to...whatever excuse fit at the time. They didn't need to know that his family sucked.

As the years went by one by one quit going. Now the only one that goes with grumpy at all is my son. A couple years ago I asked the kids why they quit going and they said they were treated the same way. Little slams accompanying the smiles, head games, and the feeling when you walked into a room that they were just talking about you. Then my son pops up with, 'and mom, why did you always take their crap? Why didn't you tell them to just get bent?' I didn't realize they had seen what was going on. They said it was so obvious, how could they not? They couldn't understand why I wouldn't snipe back or make a scene, like I would at my family's dinners. damn. I tried to explain that it wasn't my family, it was their dad's so it wasn't my place. They weren't impressed. Maybe because it is their family? They can say what they want? I don't know, I just know his family sucks :)

There is a point to all this saga. I am fairly new to facebook. I only have people who I feel close to as my friends. I have a second one that has all my applications for gamers and people I don't know. About a week or two ago my sis-i-l sent me a friend request. Seriously. A friend request. On my family page. I hit ignore and went along my day without a second thought. She is not my friend and I don't care what goes on in her life and grumpy doesn't share what goes on in his. He despises his sister and always has, but he manages to keep the peace for his mom. I was 7 months pregnant with my last before he told them we were expecting. He kinda had to since we were standing face to face at Target. We had owned our house for almost 2 years before he told them. He kinda had to since his mom was trying to get him into the rental next door to her (without me). We lived 3 miles away but it might as well have been 300 for all he shared with them. (that always let me know that he was more aware than he admitted to me that his family sucks)

This morning I got a note on my facebook from sis-i-l's son. Poor kid. " I was wanting to ask u something. would it be ok if you can add my mom to your friends cause she told me that she sent you a friend request and somehow it got deleted so I wonder if you could add her. thanks. " Poor kid. He talks to me like once every 5 years and his mom put him up to embarrassing himself. The answer is no. No, it's none of her business what I talk about. It's none of her business what we do. Now how do I do it without causing problems for the poor clueless kid? geez his family sucks.