dreams

Last night I dreamt I died. I was lying in my bed at the end of my life down to the gasping and gurgling to breath. I know what the end looks like because when my great aunt died me and my 2 sisters did the vigil for her at her home 15 years ago. What I never realized was that even though we were with her until her last breath it doesn't really matter, you die alone. Dying was like walking down a long hall and shutting off the light at the end. I knew that people were around me in a dark and vague way but I was still by myself as I crossed. What a sad thing to think about today.

We are given a set amount of time to live our lives. No amount of bargaining or money changes that timeline. Is anyone ever really finished living? I have so much to do and I keep hearing a ticking clock. I'm not depressed or maudlin, I just feel that I'm running out of time to get things on their right track. What would happen if I died tomorrow? My kids would fall apart. My husband would have a difficult time doing things on his own. He would muddle through but would probably make a mess of things while he's at it. My foster kids would bounce back without to much effort but I need to get them taken care of too.

I did my bucket list a while back. I need to revisit that. I need to get my house organized. I need to weed through and empty closets and things. Like I said, it's not that I think I'm going to drop dead tomorrow. It's not that I think I'm going to drop dead next month. But as a loving gesture...shouldn't everyone have a simpler life? Should my husband have to clean out the closet with it's 15 years worth of shoes and junk we don't ever use? Should he have to try to figure out all the finances not even knowing what bills we have or how to pay them?

It's not going to kill me (pun intended) to get things a little more organized around here :) I need to get the canning room organized and user friendly. I need to get the garden in with the watering system. I need to get the chicken stuff organized and more user friendly. I need to go through all the stacks of 'get to later' paperwork that have always dotted my life. I need to give my kids a little push and get them started on where they want to be.

It sounds like it was a bad dream but it really wasn't. It was my push. I want things to be organized. I want things to be finished. What if I didn't get another tomorrow? Do you know how embarrassed I would be to have my extended family sort through my stuff? Or see all the things around here that are only half done? Take the bathroom down stairs. I've been waiting 4 years to get the trim put on. It's getting moved up the list. I've been waiting 2 years to pay to have 2 trees cut down. Why? Why not just set the appt and get it done? I'll tell you why...I'm a procrastinator :) That's why I have stacks of paperwork that needs sorting and tossing. Drawers that need emptying. Closets that need sorting. Time to quit waiting for my extra energy to show up. Time to get off my butt and make my own energy. Like the song goes... I've got a long ways to go and a short time to get there...