It's the 4th of July weekend and I have respite. YIPPEE! I love it when a weekend comes together. The homes that the kids are going to are all planning all kinds of fun...which means I don't have to :) This will the first child free holiday for us. When you think about it, almost all holiday are geared for children. Easter is about the bunny and the candy, Halloween is about dressing up and bothering the neighbors about the candy, Christmas is about the presents and the stockings and the candy. I realize that if you don't have children it's celebrated different, but even my sister, who can't have children, goes all out for the nieces and nephews. Normally for us, the 4th is about family getting together, bbq'ing, lighting off fireworks in the front yard, sparklers and a lot of work to pull it off. This year me and Grumpy will grill something, maybe get a movie and kick back tomorrow. What do people do who don't have kids? Can't wait to find out!
I realize that sometimes I complain about the life that chose me. My sister can't sleep sometimes because of her ticking clock. She doesn't do baby showers or even hold babies. It's in the back of her mind and deep in her heart all the time. She'll be 40 in a couple years. Me? I had 4 children WHILE ON BIRTH CONTROL, and not the same kind for any of them. I had my children before my body even developed a clock. It just never came on. I could never understand how she feels. I look at her and see what I could have been, but in a different light from how she sees herself. I see a woman who comes and goes as she pleases. I see a woman who doesn't have to live by a schedule, who can hit the mall because she has money in her pocket that doesn't have to be spent on a childs never-ending needs. I see a woman who can live for herself instead of living her life sacrificing for the children. I see a woman who can have any hobby she wants without putting it up each night. I see a woman who will never suffer parental guilt or second guess her every decision late at night. This is the very real pain that lives in the back of my mind and deep in my heart. What if I screw it up?
My Dd2 has a clock. She says it keeps her up at night. She called me earlier this week to tell me that her cardiologist and she has decided that, at 25, depending on her next echo, she can have a baby. 2 years ago I was supposed to plan her funeral twice! A year ago the doc told her that if she becomes pregnant she will die before her period is late because of the strain on her heart. For 4 years she has been dealing with end stage cardiomyothopy and all that goes with it. 4 months ago her defibrillator kicked her heart going 2 separate times. WHAT. THE. HELL. Is her cardiologist an idiot?! Dd2 tells me that I don't know what it's like to want a baby. She's right, I don't, but I do know what it's like to raise other peoples babies because for whatever reason, they can't. Who is the selfish one? The one who wants to be a mom even if it kills her? Or the one that won't support her baby, even if it kills her. Probably both of us :/ It's not my life and I love and support my baby (outwardly) whether I agree with her decisions or not. It's the mom in me. Can I deny her the same?
I realize that sometimes I complain about the life that chose me. My sister can't sleep sometimes because of her ticking clock. She doesn't do baby showers or even hold babies. It's in the back of her mind and deep in her heart all the time. She'll be 40 in a couple years. Me? I had 4 children WHILE ON BIRTH CONTROL, and not the same kind for any of them. I had my children before my body even developed a clock. It just never came on. I could never understand how she feels. I look at her and see what I could have been, but in a different light from how she sees herself. I see a woman who comes and goes as she pleases. I see a woman who doesn't have to live by a schedule, who can hit the mall because she has money in her pocket that doesn't have to be spent on a childs never-ending needs. I see a woman who can live for herself instead of living her life sacrificing for the children. I see a woman who can have any hobby she wants without putting it up each night. I see a woman who will never suffer parental guilt or second guess her every decision late at night. This is the very real pain that lives in the back of my mind and deep in my heart. What if I screw it up?
My Dd2 has a clock. She says it keeps her up at night. She called me earlier this week to tell me that her cardiologist and she has decided that, at 25, depending on her next echo, she can have a baby. 2 years ago I was supposed to plan her funeral twice! A year ago the doc told her that if she becomes pregnant she will die before her period is late because of the strain on her heart. For 4 years she has been dealing with end stage cardiomyothopy and all that goes with it. 4 months ago her defibrillator kicked her heart going 2 separate times. WHAT. THE. HELL. Is her cardiologist an idiot?! Dd2 tells me that I don't know what it's like to want a baby. She's right, I don't, but I do know what it's like to raise other peoples babies because for whatever reason, they can't. Who is the selfish one? The one who wants to be a mom even if it kills her? Or the one that won't support her baby, even if it kills her. Probably both of us :/ It's not my life and I love and support my baby (outwardly) whether I agree with her decisions or not. It's the mom in me. Can I deny her the same?
0 I think...:
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